You know what?!??!

 I have moved for a trial run over at a new blog place. Windows live is losing my posts as quick as I can write them and they offer NO TECH SUPPORT!!! I am heading over to Go Daddy to see how that works for a while....http://frogcatchers.burnamville.com/

I look forward to seeing you there!

Today I am going to give my very personal answer to the much asked and very intelligent and necessary question:

 What could have helped you in your adoption to not have this outcome....

So, obviously I have no crystal ball here but I think these bits of information, truths, and circumstantial situations and bad and hasty decisions might have created extra issues and a much different outcome for us.... They say hind sight is 20/20 but I am still putting the pieces together here. Here are some things I do believe hindered our success but perhaps there is far more I have not realized....

First, please utilize this list to gain more perspective and educate yourselves. These are a list of disruption sites that may help many people to understand, avoid, and support this process when it is necessary. There are many common factors in an adoption that end people up in disruption. These factors should be on a neon sign at every agency!!!!

http://www.achildswaiting.com/adoptive_parents/adoption_disruption/adopt_disrupt_ind.php

http://www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/s_disrup.cfm

https://www.nacac.org/postadoptionarticles/disruptionsupport.html

This is also a list of adoption disruption stats I found a couple of days ago that make disruption more subject to happen- EVERY PAP SHOULD SEE THIS. Please keep in mind these are only stats os agency placed disruptions... this does not AT ALL account for private ones like mine.

What kinds of adoptions disrupt?

• Less than 1% of infant adoptions disrupt. (Barth and Berry, 1988)
• 10% to 12% of adoptions of children aged three and older disrupt. (Barth and Berry, 1990)
• Of children placed for adoption at ages 6 to 12, the disruption rate is 9.7%. (Barth, 1988)
• Of children placed for adoption at ages 12 to 18, the disruption rate is 13.5%. (Barth, 1988)
• Of children of any age with special needs placed for adoption, the disruption rate is 14.3%. (Groze, 1986)
• Placements of older children and children with histories of previous placements and longer stays in the foster care system are more likely to disrupt (Stolley, 1993)
• The disruption rate increases as the age of the child at the time of adoption increases. (Boyne et al., 1984; Barth and Berry, 1988)
• The overall decrease in disruption percentages in 1988 from 1984 can be traced to the introduction of post-adoption services, an important factor in containing the number of adoption disruptions. (Barth and Berry, 1988)

I think being more informed about the probable emotional expectation possibilities for these children would have been all it took for me to know international adoption was not for us. So many professionals have NOW told me... despite any care she receives she will quite probably never be like your other children. The effects of institutional care on a baby is many times lifelong and you can never expect them to be like your other children. Why didn't they tell me this BEFORE we adopted? I was searching for the kind of relationship I have with my boys, the kind my mom and I have. (That is something of a freak of nature anyway, even for non-institutionalized children because... SHE IS MY BEST FRIEND.) If I had known I could never even expect this child to feel close to me or identify with me, I feel I certainly would have never adopted.

So, truth to be known- we should never have adopted any institutionalized child!

My personal experience goes on to be complicated by a truly adored referral that we lost before we got to travel and perhaps, did not allow ourselves to grieve enough for.

We traveled to meet a child who we found obviously had a major neurological problems and we had to turn down -in country (this was traumatic and extremely hard to get through as well).

Then the ridiculous circumstance of getting to spend 1 day with P before we made our decision and flew home to await our second trip.

This was surely not the best way to decide on such a huge factor in your life yet, we did. In order to adopt internationally YOU HAVE TO make rash decisions based on pictures and sketchy information. You have to give it to God and pray you are doing right. Didn't you at some point too?

Due to flight change unavailability, expenses, red tape, time factors, children waiting for us at home, orphanage visiting rules, and emotional upset we made decisions we SHOULD NOT HAVE MADE. I DO accept responsibility for making a decision with all those factors in place but also point back to Russia's laws on adoption and all the problematic Russian ways and secretiveness that are SO not helpful to the futures of these children or the people trying to make the best decisions for bringing them home into new families.

As a mother I tried to base my decisions on emotional intuitiveness and gut feelings. In retrospect a more logical approach and lots of caution would have been more productive. I needed to feel right... but I mostly felt confused, afraid, lost.

Then there was the "twinning". Bringing home a child who was so close in age to my bio son was a HUGE folly. Again, this is mostly our fault ofcourse. We, being bullet proof and invincible, thought we could make this work. We thought we would have it rough for a while but would pull through and live happily ever after. NOT SO. Throwing this on top of the attachment issues was just too much. We never even thought about our bio sons mental health... sure there would be some normal sibling rivalry, but what manifested was so magnified to the norm that we were shocked and scared out of our minds at the long term effects this would have on EVERYONE! Neither he, nor P could get the emotional support they needed because it was just too much for one Mom to be able to do. It was unfair and unhealthy for both children and P needed focus and diligent emotional support FULL TIME in light of her issues.

Upon bringing P home, the problems continued as we found a huge deficit in the help and support we needed in our area. We found all the help we thought we had behind us turned into incompetent therapists not versed in RAD and doctors with little or no experience with post adoption issues, money hungry SI therapists, and a lack of coverage for the issues P had from our insurance company, then perhaps the most damaging... we found RAD.

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV) states that RAD always begins before age five. However, most of the research suggests that children are at the most at risk during the first year of life.

What are symptoms of Reactive Attachment Disorder?

1. Superficially Charming and engaging.
2. Affectionate with strangers. Indiscriminate socially.
3. Incessant chatter or nonsense questions. Constant wanting then refusing it when you offer it.
4. Intense Control Battles. Seemingly wanting to parent themselves.
5. Refuses, resists, or is uncomfortable with affection on parental terms. Uncomfortable with touch and closeness and prolonged eye contact.
6. Hoarding food. Eating/Feeding issues.
7. Significant learning problems or lags.
8. Destructive to self or others (and belongings).
9. Daily lying or lying in the face of the obvious.
10. Parents who feel like giving up or feel hostile towards the child.
11. Poor, underdeveloped, or no conscience. Lack of cause effect thinking. 

http://www.mc.maricopa.edu/dept/d46/psy/dev/Fall02/disorders/attachment.html

Does this ring any bells out there?

Had I gone to RAD books FIRST- instead of the silly "Toddler Adoption" and other flim-flam, brush it off books that sweep MAJOR attachment issues under the rug - I WOULD HAVE been far better able to make a decision on being able to deal with such issues and make a decision for my families future based on the real "in your face" problems that AD can come with.

I have talked to SO MANY adoptive parents who say they do not want to know about RAD- as if not knowing will somehow save them from the reality of it. How many PAP's out there are being talked to about RAD? Being given RAD newsletters, seminar info., and book lists?

IT IS REALITY AND IT IS NOT SOMETHING TO HIDE FROM PAP'S -or for PAP'S TO HIDE FROM.

These are my truths.

 These are the facts that bring me to the place I sit today.

I read ALL the books my SW prescribed. I soared through the homestudy with no problems or issues. We are intelligent people who have a good healthy home to provide to a child. I did EVERYTHING you did in order to get the go ahead to adopt and perhaps I should not have due to these issues and stats.

*I wish my SW would have been more assertive and diligent in helping (making) me see reality.

*I wish there had been fewer emotionally complicating factors so that we could have been more level headed and less frantic in our decision making.

*I wish Russia would allow more visiting OUTSIDE of the orphanage to give you more truth to the child BEFORE you adopt.

*I wish all the pressure to decide quickly was lessened on the PAP's so they feel more comfortable to make decisions and less need to please the foreign country and all the people who help to facilitate the adoptions. They want perfection and they want it quick and with little or no information about the child! Life is not so easy to decipher.

Adoption IS a leap of faith. It IS a dream for happiness and and possibility of hurt. We all know that.

Now, in reality would I change the fact that I brought P home? NO. Regardless the hard and bad this has brought on-our families pain and the added trauma to P... she is here. She is out of the orphanage. She is now in a very good and experienced home where she WILL thrive. Maybe this was the only way that she could get this chance.

This is surely my making lemonade out of lemons, but it is true. I am trying to see why this had to happen and what good can come from it. I am not excusing my stupid decisions nor trying to put a happy face on a very sad and hurtful happening.

The BIG PICTURE is that even though this journey has been painful, disappointing, sad, and stressful journey- it does have a happy ending for P.

P lives in the USA, in a home, well fed, loved by 2 families now, well cared for, medically supported and with a new hope for her to be able to love in her future.

The End.

For adopted children and their families:

http://www.cfsri.org/adoptionsupp.html

Families who have adopted children often have unique needs that require specialized, adoption sensitive services. The Adoption Support Program at Children’s Friend provides confidential support and counseling to adopted children and their families. The primary goals of the program are to promote permanent homes for the children, increase parenting skills, improve child behavior, and prevent adoption disruptions.

The program serves any family with adopted children that is experiencing a crisis. Some typical problems include child behavioral problems, aggression, mental health problems, family adjustment, school difficulties, attachment, and parental stress. The children may be in the home at the time of service or in alternative placement. Services are also available for families prior to adoption legalization and for children who are waiting for an adoptive family to be identified.

For more information about adoption support services at Children’s Friend, please call 401-276-4300.

As I knew would happen- the adoption community has come together on blog porches all around the neighborhood to discuss the happening in our adoption. All the adoptive families who don their rose colored glasses are aflutter with gossip and half truths to vilify and condemn us for our short comings.

The adoption community is always fun that way. So many people think they would bring P into their homes and WALA life would commence with beauty and tranquility... apparently the giant wart on my nose and my broomstick have caused all of this mess and anyone with a heart and more education on adoption would have done better than I have. All the books I have read, the time I spent with therapeutic parenting, the attachment therapists, countless emails and phone calls to various experts and my social worker, that was all a ruse to hide the fact that I really didn't care enough and wasn't trying at all.

For some people all the evidence in the world can never show them another persons truth. For some it is all about what their experience is, and never the possibility that others could- possibly, have other issues and circumstances that changed their way and contributed to creating a different outcome. My experience is a completely different thing from yours- cant you see that?

 Some have claimed to know me... Some claim they could never do this... I wonder if they even know themselves.

It would certainly burst many bubbles out there if they were to have to face this wouldn't it? They compare their even slightly attached children to mine. They compare their hard times to mine yet, they have 1 child or little or no attachment issues.

Do you really feel justified? Do you really think you know where I have been?

Have you ever even read this blog?

No matter how hard you try you can never reach everyone.

No matter your pain, some people will still cast stones at you.

I have packed my bag and am leaving the adoption community. I never fit in anyway. All your  trust in and loyalty to foreign countries who build a business out of their unwanted children, disdain for "uneducated" people's comments or questions about your adoptions, the insecurity of your families validity you show through anger everytime you get upset that someone notices your child is adopted, the need to eat your own fellow adopters if they do not live up to your "ideal", the pedestals you put yourselves on and the knocking each other off...

I am way to simple for all this. I am no saint. I am not perfect, nor am I trying to pretend I am. I am not.

I was human, I was full of hope and dreams of a daughter. I was naive to this child's needs and our ability to help her. I had a picture in my head of something that was NEVER to be...that is true. I accept the ridicule for that.

HOWEVER!!!!

I fought for 2 years to bring her here. I spent 4 weeks in Russia to facilitate her arrival in the U.S. I paid all the fees and jumped through the hoops to free her from an orphanage. I did that!!! I gave 6 months of my life to lead up to the day I would find the family who she belongs with. The ones who can help her from here and introduce her to the world of love and trust that I could not get her to. I had the strength and intelligence to see what was best for her and to do what would surely get me flamed, condemned, and pushed WAY off the pedestal.

I can accept that I am a needy mom who wants a child who thinks I am special and wonderful. I needed some tiny show of moving at least toward love, and of someday being irreplaceable to this child. After 6 months I felt like a babysitter. Even worse an abused, disliked, very dispensable babysitter. I felt like the maid, the servant, the very easily replaced lady... who was losing her family, losing that love from her son too from the trying to get through to this little girl. (Did I need to lose my marriage, my sanity, my sons to assuage your feelings of my inadequacy? How much sacrifice is enough to justify allowing your child to be moved to another family for the help they need? ) I needed all that and went on 6 months without it. I kept trying and looking for any signs of it coming. I begged for a sign from anywhere that we had formed some repore.... I am the mother of three boys who give me all that and so I KNOW THAT FEELING. I know what was missing and how empty our relationship felt from its lacking. Maybe you do not. Maybe I am selfish and impatient. Maybe I am more imperfect than most, especially the wonderful "rose colored glasses adopters" out there. Maybe I am a quitter and a bad person all around.

I saw her...When I left she did not cry, she did not hold her little arms up to me or even try to follow. There was no betrayal in her eyes and no emotion... I understand all that because I know we were emotionally strangers even after 6 months because her wall is just to high for me to scale. She refused to let me in and so she protected herself from the moment I would leave. Sadly, all that protecting she did is what will make everyone eventually leave if she does not get the help she needs. Even if you stay out of commitment, have you really done that person a favor? Without love on either side what is the staying for?

I know RAD well. I now realize through my great education of 6 months study that I have lived with it before. I have seen first hand the devastation it can cause in the person's life who has it, and all who get in their path. Without the help she needs she will become the mother who abandons her children, the drug abuser, the alcoholic, the woman with many husbands, the person with no ties to anyone for long...she will become my ex-husband. She will have a giant whole in her heart that she can never fill....

I want better for P.

This experience is my cross to bear.

This experience has become my very public sacrifice of my soul... if she gets better and lives a life with love in it- I can surely feel I helped her get there. If I educate just one person out there I have suffered for something. God chose me for this mission for a reason and I will not fail here. I will not hide or let you shame me for your fears... Life is hard and I am just another person out here trying to make it through.  

I fought for 2 years to bring her here. I spent 4 weeks in Russia to facilitate her arrival in the U.S. I paid all the fees and jumped through the hoops to free her from an orphanage. I did that!!! I gave 6 months of my life to lead up to the day I would find the family who she belongs with. The ones who can help her from here and introduce her to the world of love and trust that I could not get her to. I had the strength and intelligence to see what was best for her and to do what would surely get me flamed, condemned, and pushed WAY off the pedestal.

Throw stones if it makes you feel better. Tell your half truths and point your fingers.

 My judge is God and he walked here with me. Is he throwing stones with you now? Somehow, I don't think so. 

He too faced his public ridicules and sacrificed himself for the good of others against the will of stupidity.

I have to go now...my Kannon beckons...:-)

Come read on about me as seen by the adoptive community at http://www.ukraineadventure.blogspot.com/ 

To those who support, understand, or at least have compassion- I truly thank you.

All of our paper work is legalized, the respite care is set up for long term, P is going to her new home today to begin her healing.

I have met so many people through this whole process... some people are the most helpful, considerate, wonderful, people... This family is Wisconsin is the kindest, most uplifting, calm and together family I have ever met. Upon speaking to her each time  I am re-energized and full of peace over our decision and P's future. They have P's interest at heart rather than their own ALWAYS and have been eager to help out and meet everyone's needs from the very beginning- especially P's!!!!

I am sure... for the first time in quite a while I know without a doubt I have done what is meant to be and made a decision not based on my feelings and needs but on my children's. ALL of my children's needs. I feel some what like I have made a very healthy sacrifice here. I gave up a beautiful baby girl to a family who could do SO much more for her... that IS the spirit of adoption!!!!!

My boys....

We have a big trip to Medieval Times planned for this weekend. Hunter is studying this time period in school right now and has a huge fascination with it. We are going to let all this stress and tension go for a little while and have fun with our boys!!!

Life is beginning to feel fresh again and I am ready for the next step rather than dreading every moment and fretting about each move I must make. I feel in control and masterful at raising my children again. I had become so powerless to soothe the kids and unable to read their cues. I feel very strong and good at my work again. (although potty training this puppy is proving to be VERY difficult!!!!)

My house is disastrous. My floors are almost completely dirt now and the dog hair is on EVERYTHING!!!!! Kannon and I have our work cut out for us today! Laundry, dusting, straightening, toy clean up, garbage emptying.... Geez, I am going to be busy. There has just been no time for it. I did make it to the store FINALLY yesterday and filled the empty cupboard. It took all of $600 to accomplish that task. We were severely under stocked and these boys EAT!!!!!!

This week has flown by, and been a hair graying experience- but I made it through some how...I even ran out of Zoloft a couple of days ago and forgot to pick up my prescription yesterday- AND YET I MADE IT!!!!! (I also picked up some hair color just in case:-)

Kannon actually fell asleep in the car (that NEVER happened when P was here) and I carried him in, put him on the bed, HE NEVER WOKE UP!!!!! Miracles people. This is a true miracle in change in attitude and relaxation for this child!!!! THIS IS MY SON!!!! I remember him. Before KONG. This is the little fella I knew. Gosh, I am happy he is back!!! He is still strong and willful -but human. MY KAN-KAN!!!!! YEAH!!!!!!

Well, my boys are here and it is time to get them off to school. I am gonna go and get in some laughs with them this morning before I have to take them to their dreaded torture!!! :-)

Be well!

Guys- today I do not know how to continue the story. There has been a horrible happening that I am not yet possibly EVER allowed to post here and I find it hard to take you to my place emotionally with that piece of the puzzle missing. I will do my best to work around it and give you all I can....

I from this point on will have to refer to our daughter as baby girl or P... I have been asked to not post her name anymore.

Conspiracy theories....

Anyway, Kannon is still steadily improving and has slept in his own bed a couple of times with no night terrors!!! He is allowing me to put my arm around him and snuggles with me again. The calm he has regained is amazing and helps me to remember why I am in the position I am in... I have had so many moments of thinking... Oh, I can resume!!! I can do this!!! Sadly, even if I can- he cannot.

I continue to get to know the family in Wisconsin and find them amazing and EXACTLY what all of our prayers have asked for... I can easily believe this is what God has in mind for this child and that I am simply a stepping stone to her reaching them. They have a huge amount of medical expertise in their location, lots of personal experience and tons of support. All the things I looked for and tried so hard to come by here. Texas- you let me down.

So many things have transpired here that have touched so VERY MANY lives and all for the greater good. Our pain is simply the pain of RIGHT and GOOD it seems. P  is strong and definitely a fighter. I believe she will come to be very able to love. She is amazing to have been able to do this, take this, and bring so much good to so many. She has taught so much. Someday perhaps, I can share the untold part of her story. Maybe you can guess. This child has truly had a journey and I know within my heart- it is all part of her path. It crushes me to have been a part of all this and to have to see the struggle to get her where she belongs but I also see the grand picture and am in awe of what this ONE TINY CHILD has accomplished.

(For my family and friends who have traveled this road with me I will compile a private email and send it out to you. Only those of you who I have been in contact with through private email though and I know who you are- sorry, I would post here but I just can't.)

Our family is still struggling to get back on track. Still tense and emotional. Tears come easily and every quiet moment takes me back to P. The anger at all the upset in our home is waining. The frustration at her rejection is slipping away. The immense sadness and loss is getting more bearable. Hope for her future and true love for this child is what I have left now. It is taking a lot of strength to assure myself that she is going to do well- no, better in this other home. It is my own ego and self gratification I must tackle here. I am full of broken pride and sadness at my inability to help her myself.  Kannon's smiling, happy face and easy relaxed manner are my truth in that and my grandest goal now. That is the my objective in life now...MY BOYS!!! 

Dear God- I LOVE THESE BOYS!!!! I can set my pride and self gratification aside for them.

I feel peace in my heart that this is right for P. I feel like I have finally made a good choice and found a reason for all this to have occurred. I feel GOOD for the first time in a long time. The sun may finally come out and shine on us all.

I sure hope the turmoil, pain, and upheaval are going away for good. Please!!!!!

Keep us in your prayers.... we are seeing light at the end of the tunnel I hope.

Still making it through.

Feeling a little more confident that we are doing the right thing. Working through the issues with Kannon and trying to help everyone to come back to our family harmony. It is an ongoing process and it very much reminds me of getting through the death of a loved one... I guess in many ways it is. Knowing she is out there and living with people who can love and help her is reassuring and lifts my heart a little.

Kannon continues to improve dramatically. He is stuck to me like glue and happy to be near me. He is relaxed and full of smiles and funny things that brighten my day and let me know this is the way. He falls asleep in seconds and wakes happy and ready to go again. He is still having some nightmares or night terrors though. I think it will take some time for his system to really let go of the stress completely. I think the sty was probably a physical manifestation of the stress too... I read that sties are caused from stress many times but dismissed it at the time.

I forgot how much fun he could be and how sweet his cuddly moments are... I hadn't seen that side of him in months. He had become so tired and angry he was really no joy at all for a long time there. I blame myself for that now.

It hurts to see how much pain we have caused ourselves.

Poppie is doing well in her respite home. She is back to her old self too and trying out all her tricks on them now. She is up against a far more formidable opponent now... this time her new family has seen it all before and has their own bag of tricks to battle back with. They also have no other 2 year olds to have to worry about and no one for Poppie to compete so fiercely with.  I am shocked to see how easy her transition has been- even though I knew she had not ever really attached to us. It furthers the sadness but also my resolve to let her go and heal our boys.

Another reality to have to digest.

I have  had some weird physical issues for a few weeks now that I think are stress related... night sweats, chills, rash that itches at night, profuse sweating, hair falling out at alarming rates, crying jags, and of course the inability to sleep or relax..... 

Today the sun is shining for the first time in a long time. Texas has been rainy and cold for some time now. I am going to get out and soak up some sun. Kannon loves outside and maybe it will continue us onto a happier, healthier, and better place.

I will be back again tomorrow to continue this journey and give our families perspective to this whole process...

See yah then. 

I really appreciate all the kind words and support. You guys have been wonderful.

I am still a basket case today but afraid to take my "sedative" prescribed by Dr. Sanity, for fear of being thrown into the depths of depression. Zoloft is not calming my nerves however and so "basketcase" is certainly the way I would describe myself at this point. I feel like the rug has been pulled out from under me suddenly. Like I am trapped with no good answer to my issue and no way to slow down and figure it out. ... Not true, but it does feel that way. My thoughts are fragmented and going every direction. Worry over Poppie, worry over my sons, worrying about Randy and his continued distance due to all the stress, worry about my own crazy inability to stop worrying and GO TO SLEEP!

Yep, this is certainly what a nervous breakdown must be defined as... I always wondered exactly what that meant. Never really wanted to know in this manner though.

We are trying to make sure everything is in place and Poppie will be safe and well cared for... we are working on our legal end of things and also speaking hour after hour to the family who currently is caring for Poppie and for the family who intends to take her into their family. We are emotionally drained from the strain of the dragging of time until all is settled and feels safe and secure. All the legal red tape and hurdles to go through to get everyone in place is ridiculous. It is set up for "safety" but seems to be more caring about the states welfare and their money. Poppie isn't even receiving any public assistance and yet we must meet all their safeguards to assure them of this. Lots of time in limbo for poor Poppie and lots of time to worry and make myself sick.

Kannon has slept... he seems like he has been awake for months and now has crashed. He is relaxed and falls asleep easily. His tantrums are easing although they are not gone. He seems more like his old self... Jayden has been pretty emotional too and got into some trouble Thursday at school. This is going to take A LOT of time to heal. It is just sickening to know we willfully did this to our lives. I feel like this path is certainly a learning experience for us all but- WOW, this is a toughie.

It is going to take a while to wrap my head around all of it. Especially with all the emotional upset thrown in.

I have little Kannon here waiting for me to play blocks with him. I am trying to stay with him emotionally and keep him very close. Randy is playing Battleship with Jay. The best thing we can do for our boys right now is stay functional and be emotionally available to them. HARD. Crisis makes it hard to play blocks. Hard to not let my mind wander back to all the dishevelment.

Thankyou again for all the support. We appreciate the assurance that our situation is somewhat understood...

Wondering where I have been?

I have seen the depths of insanity-HELL- finally. I am recovering from what looks to have been very close to a nervous breakdown. I finally realized that I am not making it through this-Poppie has wreaked havoc on our home life and most dramatically  Kannon and he is suffering far more than just sibling rivalry, like I first wanted to believe. When reality finally hit me in the head- the blow was so devastating I almost collapsed- literally. Through my Social Worker I have been taking this day by day and was able to find a family to send Poppie to for  respite care. She has been in their home since Monday. This family is understanding of Poppies condition (they too have been where I am today). They are very highly recommended by our social worker and they are wonderfully sympathetic to our situation.  They have been a HUGE BLESSING to us.

We are now trying to pick up the pieces of our shattered existence here. It seems as though we have all fragmented and pulled away from one another. Lucky for me all those books I read for Poppies condition are now working to repair the damage done to the rest of the family. The even better news is that these techniques work like magic for my own bio sons who have attachment to me- that has just become shaky due to all the trauma our lives have suffered.

Randy and I are forging a new support system for one another in order to try and weather the rest of this with Poppie. We have some seriously hard decisions to make and want to be sure we are doing what's best for everyone involved. Thank God for our respite family who has given us the time and distance from the issue to see it through sane and less desperate eyes. The pain this one 2 year old has elicited in this family is unbelievable. My inability to see the onset because it was so gradual is another complete shock to me. I can go back and read my blogs and see the break in my ability to cope so clearly but did not realize it coming on. I can absolutely see the progression of Kannon's turmoil through my own words here - but did not put it together day by day as it happened.

 I believe God has lessons for us in this life and that we decide how we learn that lesson... I obviously have a very hard head and chose the hard way AGAIN here. I HAVE LEARNED SO VERY MUCH THOUGH. The most intense and horrific pains in my life have turned into the most life altering and enlightening endeavors I have ever experienced. I am still in shock at the magnitude of the pain in this and we are not through it yet. Still more to endure and learn.

Now is the true moment to persevere.

Since you have walked this path with me I will hope that you have learned from my experience and pray that I unearthed a reality for others so they do not need go through this same thing. Maybe you... Maybe someone you know. Be kind to people. You do not know what they have endured on this day. Try not to cast judgement and to have an open mind to what happens and decisions people make. Life is hard and people have to make it through. We each have our own limitations and truths we have to face.

We have found a family who works with children with AD. They have built their family through troubled children's adoption failures. They not only understand the way therapeutic parenting works- they use it solely in their home because ALL of their children are in need of it. They couple is a bit older than Randy and I and far more patient. Poppie will be the youngest in their home and have her "Mommy" to herself all day while the other children go to school. They want to continue Poppie's process of healing and do not have to sacrifice any other child to heal this one. They are open to us being a part of Poppie's life experience and will allow us to follow her progress and celebrate her achievements.

 Yes, we have decided to disrupt.

We have decided to put our pride aside, to allow Poppie to go to a place where she can continue on with happiness and peace with a sane and emotionally capable mother who can handle her and help her. In doing this we have also saved Kannon from his fall into darkness, salvaged my sanity, and kept everyone intact. I am hoping this very open expression and true tale of an adoption failure may help others to understand this very sad and hurtful circumstance better.

For our family who may not agree with our decision, and for the adoptive community who oppose disruption: understand, this was not our intention. This is a huge sadness and recognition of defeat for me, especially. This is a sacrifice of my will to conquer and defeat and be a hero to this little girl and an end to the hope of having a daughter.

If this is the easy road, can you imagine the devastation that would have been at the end of the hard road? I fear I would not have made it, to ever see the end of that one.

My personal journey has showed me that I am far more patient than I believed I could ever be. That I did not abuse or neglect this child is my story of success, and a huge growth of understanding of myself better. I would never have believed I could have under gone what I have, and remained civil. That I would fight so hard for a person who I barely knew and was repeatedly rejected by. I would never have guessed I have enough compassion and self discipline to have endured with this child for 6 months. It has been....... exhaustingly, enlightening. I gave it my all and perhaps could have continued on- but, I saw my Kannon. I finally saw the devastation and emotional havoc that Kannon was suffering. I saw with divine clarity that my fight with Poppie was killing Kannon. I cannot make that sacrifice. I WILLNOT make that sacrifice.

The mothers instinct to protect has overtaken the entire course of this snowball and now it must be redirected into a more productive, less destructive path.

I will try to finish this story here for you. I will try to give more closure to the process of disruption and hopefully show that THIS IS A PRODUCTIVE AND POSITIVE PROCESS, WHEN NECESSARY. I always believed that in my heart anyway, who knew it would be me who would set out to prove it to others. I could have receded into seclusion. I could have quietly closed this chapter of my life. I have chosen to voice an issue and put a face on the story so it can be seen as a human experience instead of simple statistics.

My journey takes shape as a lesson for the masses. I hope I did not tell my story in vein.

I am still having wartime with KONG. For reasons unknown he is (again) suddenly very against sleep and just all out oppositional. Is it just a terrible 2 phase? Maybe he doesn't feel good? Perhaps this is a backlash from all the stuff with Poppie coming out... I DO NOT know. He fought me again last night from 8pm until 9:45pm as I tried to make bedtime peaceful and get him to sleep. I was exhausted, angry, and emotionally drained by the time he FINALLY went to sleep. To top it off I am afraid when I walked in sweaty, disheveled, and worn out and I found RB relaxed up in the bed watching TV -I had another crying jag.

I still had Curly to deal with, coffee to make, wash my face, brush my teeth, and all the other night time routine stuff to do- not to mention clothes I planned to put away, toys I intended to pick up, quiet personal time I hoped to spend before having to go straight to bed....

 He has suffered a shut down on the being my help and support. I will never understand why it is that men cannot keep their strength when you need to fall apart. If you are sick- they want to be sicker, if you are tired- they are exhausted, if you are fed up- they are watching TV  ?!!!!!!!!!  Only when I am strong and determined, can he be as well... and unfortunately, that is not the most needful time for his greatness. I need to pass the torch for a bit and a have a cool down but NOOOOOO.... the minute my pace slows and my ears begin to smoke from sheer overload- he gets scared of the pressure and responsibility and poops out and so we are both kaput. Dead in the water. I think he somehow believes that if he fails at helping I will somehow pick up and keep on going without his help thereby, eliminating his problem altogether.

Under these circumstances I do not have a plan to put into motion. If I go down, even for a short period, there is no "back up plan".  I am going to have to think of something to get us through this and my bag of tricks is getting old and worn out.

Along with KONG'S tirades -Poppie went a little cuckoo yesterday... AGAIN.

We had a contractor here going over his bid for the kitchen repairs. As usual this sent her into "nutty mode". She was getting all revved up and starting to bounce around the house dangerously. I had to hold her the entire time he was here and got to hear pretty much nothing the man said. Poppie was busily trying to head butt me in the face, irritate the fire out of me whenever she thought I might be trying to listen with loud squawking and crying, thrashing around with haphazzardness that can get pretty violent at times, and otherwise alternating between being generally annoying and quite charming- anything for me to put her down and let her have her tornado moment.

This is an unbelievable pace to try and keep up. Even when my body is still ready for the fight -my mind is just MUSH.

Good news is that all the holiday pounds I put on are now gone... as a matter of fact I think I may have even lost a few extra (probably brain matter). This dizzying pace is a great figure keeper. Fighting with Kannon has added some new resistance training and so I guess I am getting healthy despite my best efforts to self destruct here. I will go out with a strong body and mind of mush!!! I am still thinking of booking a vacation retreat at the local nut house. Terrell, here I come  http://www.dshs.state.tx.us/mhhospitals/TerrellSH/default.shtm!!! I actually visited this lovely establishment (no, not as a patient people!!!) on a field trip in HighSchool. Trust me people... my level of insanity and instability has not reached that level (as yet). I could fake it long enough for a short visit and some good ole shots of tranquilizers, perhaps though!!!

Hmmm... maybe I could admit a couple of kids for a while and get a little break that way. I think being 2 years old actually qualifies you as "nuts" automatically. If not nuts, at least socially depraved. All 2 year olds should be considered armed and dangerous and be known as public enemies #1!!!!!

They tell you what to do if being attacked by wild animals, or lost in the woods. We all know not to get in the car with strangers and never go to the second location.... but what about if you find yourself alone with an enraged, depraved, 2 year old? What steps can you take to defend yourself and ward off a full blown attack? If they eventually eat me alive will they be put down?

I wonder how many years may have to go by before I find myself in a livable situation again. I wonder if all my teeth will be knocked out and my hair gray by then!??!?!?

 My Hunt was a trying child. He was somewhat strong willed and hard to please. He had moments of defiance and difficulty- but NEVER did he push me to the limits I am seeing here and NEVER did he threaten to dissolve my sanity and relieve me of my wits. This is a whole new league of child who is proving to be VERY formidable opponents. Again, I have the urge to wave the white flag and surrender to the tyranny. I am living with my own little terrorist cell here. Of course when Hunt was 2, he was my only child. BIG DIFFERENCE

My new book is "Holding Time" by Martha Welch and she promises to have a

                                         "breakthrough parenting strategy program for happy mothers

                                          and loving, self confident, children without tantrums, tug-of-war,

                                          or sibling rivalry"

We shall see....

If this doesn't work I still have the link to the state hospital so... at least we have come up with some options here.

Gotta go - more insanity to deal with!

I LIVED!!!!

Yesterday I went out into the big old world and saw people and did things:-) It was wonderful!!! I shopped and got some fancy little car related decor for the boys room walls and even went out for lunch and ice cream. YIPPY! Mom was my day companion and helped me to get the babies from one place to another. (I felt very much like Angelina:-) too bad I didn't look like her!!!) I talked "grown up talk" and girlie gossip talk and it was delightful.

Upon arrival at home I put the babies down for nap and unfortunately this is where delightful turns to dismay... KONG decided he didn't want to take any darn nap and fought like a mad man to stay awake. After a true brow beating, several threats, and finally a pop on the leg- he went to sleep. ( I dare any of you to try to raise THIS child without spanking... this is the most strong willed, battle hungry, gonna get his way- or die trying, child that this world has ever seen.) Ma hung out long enough for me to go get Jay and so naptime carried on through until the babies awoke on their own- my sanity stays intact here.

Upon waking everyone was in good spirits and played well together. Poppie was sweet and playful and seemed very much a norma,l happy, child. All was good:-)

RB made it home for dinner and we all ate it with no gripe fest. We did fight over who got which cookies though-hee hee.

Bedtime brought another round with Kannon and although I won- as always... he did put up an excellent fight and I am sure he will demand a re-match. WHAT AM I GONNA DO WITH THIS CHILD?????? I am running out of ideas here.

I DO absolutely realize these are power struggles. I do recognize the need to parent strongly and give him the structure he is absolutely begging for here. I see the need to assure him of his place in this family and to be compassionate to his efforts to make the transition to having Poppie here... I GET IT!!! Question is... how the hell do I get control of this child and get him to a livable place?

Between his issues and Poppies I am really losing it here.  Why must there be so much struggle within our days? 2 years old with this child is going to absolutely be the death of me. I can visualize he and Poppie throwing the dirt in on me- in my 6 foot hole. GRAVEDIGGERS!!!!  That's what they are!!! Cute little hit men... ah, very clever disguise!!!! They decided a slow death for me... first insanity, then slow, methodical, torture until my death!!! Reminds me of the "Bell Witch".

Here I go with the delusions of conspiracy again. They say I am sane, but I have proof to the contrary...documented here daily.

To add another heaping helping of disaster onto this fine day in my life... Curly got diarreah last night and made quite a mess of his playpen and doggie bed. FANTASTIC!!!! What more can a person ask for?

Complete disorder and chaos amongst your offspring, insanity and delusion, stress, hormonal issues, ego driven mate, and now even "mans best friend" is out to get yah.... When does the quit option come up? Can I just save this game and come back later to play more? Can I choose a new character or just go on and crash the system? WHAT ARE MY OPTIONS HERE???????

QUICK PEOPLE TO THE FALL OUT SHELTER!!!!

I once tasted freedom....in 2002 I embarked on the adventure of a lifetime. I grabbed up Ma and we flew away to Hawaii.... Just she and I and my adult aunt. It was amazing being responsible for only myself. I only fed myself, dressed myself, and worried about MYSELF. I was in paradise with the freedom of just me. It was an amazing, unbelievable, once in a life time, event. I loved it!!!! Sure, knowing I had a husband and two beautiful children to come home to was part of the bliss of it...but part of it was being away from the very things I love in order to appreciate them more. Like a vacation from work... because lets face it- THEY ARE MY WORK!

I have got to go. You know it is time to get my boys up- yada yada yada....

I am going OUT again today. Don't know where yet, and don't care. JUST OUT.

Watch out world one crazy woman and her mother with KONG and a radish- coming your way!!!! ha ha ha